Funny Jokes That Are Clean For Every Momments And Happy Life

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ANIMALS

What keys can’t open locks?
Monkeys, donkeys, and turkeys.

 

Boy: Could you sell me a shark?
Pet-shop owner: Why do you want a shark?
Boy: My cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.

 

Frank: Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the zoo for feeding the pigeons?
Harry: No. What’s wrong with feeding the pigeons?
Frank: He fed them to the lions.

 

What is the difference between a cat and a match?
A cat lights on its feet, and a match lights on its head.

 

What grows up while it grows down?
A baby duckling.

 

What’s gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a sandwich bag.

 

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can hunt knights.

 

Why is a snake so smart?
Because you can’t pull its leg.

 

Why do giraffes have such small appetites?
Because with them, a little goes a long way.

 

What is as big as an elephant but doesn’t weigh an ounce?
An elephant’s shadow.

 

First octopus: What do you like least about being an octopus?
Second octopus: Washing my hands before dinner.

 

Steve: How did your parakeet die?
Fred: Flu.
Steve: Don’t be silly. Parakeets don’t die from the flu.
Fred: Mine did. He flew under a bus.

 

Which is richer, a bull or a cow?
A bull. The cow gives you milk; the bull charges you.

 

How many skunks does it take to smell up a neighborhood?
Just a phew.

 

City slicker: I finally went for a ride this morning.
Ranch hand: Horseback?
City slicker: Yep, he got back about an hour before I did.

 

What is a polar bear’s favorite place to vacation?
Brrr-muda.

 

What is a woodpecker’s favorite kind of joke?
A knock-knock.

 

What is an eel’s favorite card game?
Glow Fish.

 

Why did the turtle go to the therapist?
He wanted to come out of his shell.

 

How does a beaver know which tree to cut down?
Whichever one he chews.

 

What would you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?
A hyper viper.

 

What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a frog?
An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.

 

What kind of flowers would you give an absent-minded squirrel?
Forget-me-nuts.

 

What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.

 

How do pigs say good-bye?
With hogs and kisses.

 

What is an owl’s favorite mystery?
A whooo-dunit.

 

What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A tall tale.

 

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

 

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
He had his own pew.

 

What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because he croaks every night.

 

Chicken to turkey: Only Thanksgiving and Christmas?
You’re lucky;
with us, it’s any Sunday.

 

Why are anteaters so healthy?
Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum it could be done.

 

Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A retail store.

 

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
He was charged with battery.

 

Where are dogs scared to go?
The flea market.

 

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
She wanted to be polyunsaturated.

 

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.

 

Why do lobsters have a hard time sharing?
Because they’re shellfish.

 

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

 

Have you heard about the dog that ate an onion?
Its bark was much worse than its bite.

 

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How does he do it?
His horse’s name is Friday.

 

Did you hear the one about the lion who ate clowns?
You’ll roar.

 

What do you call an overweight cat?
A flabby tabby.

 

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.

 

What do you call a cat that’s been thrown in the dryer?
Fluffy.

 

What do you call a cat that gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
Socks.

 

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

 

What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
A brrrd.

 

When is fishing not a good way to relax?
When you’re the worm.

 

Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
Because of the Peking duck.

 

What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.

 

Who’s a better boxer, a bean or a chicken?
The bean—he’s no chicken.

 

What is a shark’s favorite game?
Swallow the Leader.

 

What do pigs put in their hard drives?
Sloppy disks.

 

Baby snake: Mom, are we poisonous?
Baby snake: Mom, are we poisonous?
Mom snake: We most certainly are! Why?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue.

 

Why did the kangaroo lose the basketball game?
He ran out of bounds.

 

What birds spend time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

 

What’s the difference between a soccer player and a dog?
The soccer player wears a team uniform, the dog just pants.

 

What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit with the World Wide Web?
A hare Net.

 

Why are elephants known to hold grudges?
They can forgive, but they can’t forget.

 

Did you hear about the duck that was flying upside down?
It quacked up.

 

Where do fish like to go on vacation?
Finland.

 

How do you find a spider on the Internet?
Check out his Web site.

 

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.

 

Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest.

 

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

 

What did Winnie the Pooh pack for his vacation?
The bear essentials.

 

How did the owl with laryngitis feel?
He didn’t give a hoot.

 

What should you do when someone throws a goose at you?
Duck.

 

What bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.

 

Teacher: Where are elephants found?
Student: They’re so big, I didn’t think they could get lost!

 

Have you heard the story about the peacock that crossed the road?
It really is a colorful tail….

 

What’s the difference between a tiger and a lion?
The tiger has the mane part missing.

 

How does a leopard change its spots?
When it’s tired of one spot, it just moves to another.

 

Where do little dogs sleep when they go camping?
In pup tents.

 

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

 

What wears a coat in the winter and pants all summer?
A dog.

 

How do you find your dog if he’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark.

 

Where do fish take a bath?
In a river basin.

 

What animal makes it hard to carry on a conversation?
A goat, because he always wants to butt in.

 

What happens if pigs fly?
Bacon goes up.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

 

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.

 

What was the snail doing on the highway?
About a mile a day.

 

What do you get when you cross a hen with a hyena?
An animal that laughs at every yolk.

 

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

 

What do you call a dog with a receding hairline?
Bald Spot!

 

Swimmer: Are you sure there aren’t any sharks along this beach?
Lifeguard: Oh, yes, I’m sure. They don’t get along well with the alligators.

 

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away.

 

What do you call two spiders who just married?
Newlywebs.

 

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

 

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
De-calfinated.

 

What kind of can never needs a can opener?
A pelican.

 

What do you get when you cross a pig and a tree?
A porky pine.

 

Why do white sheep eat more grass than black sheep?
Because there are more of them.

 

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because he’s a squealer.

 

What do frogs want to listen to at bedtime?
Croak-and-dagger stories.

 

What is cowhide most used for?
Holding cows together.

 

What kind of snake is good at math?
An adder.

 

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elk-a-seltzer.

 

Why does a mother kangaroo hope it doesn’t rain?
She doesn’t like it when the kids have to play inside.

 

How do you fix a broken chimp?
With a monkey wrench.

 

What do llamas like to eat?
Llama beans.

 

What do you call a time-out in the Lions’ football game?
A paws.

 

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.

 

How does an octopus go into battle?
Fully armed.

 

What kind of money do marsupials use?
Pocket change.

BUSINESS AND JOBS

Ed: I have a job in a watch factory.
Mike: Oh really?
What do you do?
Ed: I just stand around and make faces.

 

Farmer: Quite a storm we had last night.
Neighbor: Yep, it sure was.
Farmer: Did it damage your barn any?
Neighbor: I dunno. I haven’t found it yet.

 

How is business?
Tailor: Oh, it’s so-so.
Electrician: It’s fairly light.
Author: All right.
Farmer: It’s growing.
Astronomer: Looking up!
Elevator operator: Well, it has its ups and downs.
Trash collector: It’s picking up.

 

Wife: You don’t look well. What’s the matter?
Husband: You know those aptitude tests we give our employees?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Well, I took one today, and it’s a good thing I own the company.

 

Employer: I thought you requested yesterday afternoon off to go see your dentist.
Employee: Yes, sir.
Employer: Then why did I see you coming out of the stadium with a friend?
Employee: That was my dentist.

 

Rancher: What kind of saddle do you want?
One with or without a horn?
Cowboy: Without is fine. There doesn’t seem to be much traffic around here.

 

Dan: I just finished a long run on Broadway.
Zach: What play were you in?
Dan: Oh, I wasn’t in any play. A mugger chased me for ten blocks.

 

Television repairman: So, what seems to be the problem with your television?
Woman: It has double images. I hope you men can fix it.

 

Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?
He couldn’t concentrate.

 

Barber: Sir, could you please turn the other side of your face toward me?
Client: Oh, you’re finished shaving this side already?
Barber: Oh, no. I just don’t like the sight of blood.

 

Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they need the dough.

 

First cowboy: Why did you carry only one log for the campfire when the other hands carry two?
Second cowboy: I guess the others are too lazy to make two trips.

 

Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
Because his career was in ruins.

 

Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.

 

Why did the farmer receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

 

A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She’s not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister.
Salesman: Okay, fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then…
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to get your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is, I can’t lift her out of the playpen.

 

Who is the best-paid employee at Microsoft?
The Windows washer.

 

Do you know why electricians are some of the smartest people?
They always keep up with current events.

 

How did the scientist invent bug spray?
She started from scratch.

 

What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?
She thought it was a blast.

 

What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?
Lots.

 

How did the carpenter break his teeth?
He chewed on his nails.

 

Job seeker: I’m here in reply to your ad for a handyman. Potential employer: And you are handy?
Job seeker: Couldn’t be handier. I live right next door.

 

What training do you need to be a garbage collector?
None; you just pick it up as you go along.

EDUCATION

Principal: This is the fourth time you’ve been in my office this week.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Sam: I’m so glad today is Friday!

 

Jeanne: Mom, I got a hundred in school today!
Jeanne: Mom, I got a hundred in school today!
Mom: Good job! What did you get a hundred in?
Jeanne: In two things. I got a forty in math and a sixty in spelling.

 

Jim: Teacher, would you be mad at somebody for something they didn’t do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Jim: Good. I didn’t do my homework.

 

Teacher: Cathy, what would you do if you were being chased by a man-eating tiger?
Cathy: Nothing. I’m a girl.

 

What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
M.T.

 

What is it that we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?
The letter D.

 

What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. There’s a mile between the Ss.

 

What word starts with E and has only one letter in it?
Envelope.

 

What makes math such hard work?
All those numbers you have to carry.

 

Father: How did you do on your tests today?
Daughter: Okay, but on one I was like Washington and Lincoln.
Daughter: Okay, but on one I was like Washington and Lincoln.
Father: What do you mean?
Daughter: I went down in history.

 

Son: Great news, Dad!
Son: Great news, Dad!
Dad: What’s the great news?
Son: You don’t have to buy me any new books next year. I’m taking all of the same courses again.

 

Science teacher: What is the difference between electricity and lightning?
Student: We don’t have to pay for lightning.

 

What kind of food do math teachers eat?
Square meals.

 

Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?
Because it multiplied by dividing.

 

Which two words have the most letters in them?
Post office.

 

What state is round on both sides but high in the middle?
Ohio.

 

What’s a teacher’s favorite candy?
Chalk-olate.

 

Did you hear about the delivery van loaded with thesauruses that crashed into a taxi?
Witnesses were astounded, shocked, taken aback, surprised, startled,
dumbfounded, thunderstruck, caught unawares….

 

What is the best state to get school supplies?
Pencil-vania.

 

Why is the library the tallest room in the school?
It has the most stories.

 

What can spell every word in every language?
An echo.

 

Where does Thursday come before Wednesday?
In the dictionary.

 

Why is a bad joke like a broken pencil?
It has no point.

 

What do math teachers like to eat with their coffee?
A slice of pi.

 

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.

 

Teacher: What is the plural of mouse?
Student: Mice.
Teacher: Good. Now, what’s the plural of baby?
Student: Twins!

 

Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane will do next?
They’re so easy to read.

 

Teacher: If I cut a steak in two, then cut the halves in two, what do I
get?
Student: Quarters.
Teacher: Very good. And what would I get if I cut it again?
Student: Eighths.
Teacher: Great job! And if I cut it again?
Student: Sixteenths.
Teacher: Wonderful! And again?
Student: Hamburger.

 

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze?
Sam: Hot water.

 

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Student: The 747, Concorde, and F-16.

 

Dad: Why were you expelled from school?
Matt: I used a hose to fill up the swimming pool.
Dad: I didn’t know the school had a swimming pool.
Matt: Well, it does now!

 

How did you pass the entrance exam for candy-making school?
It was simple. I fudged it.

 

Jennifer: Are you in the top half of your class?
Laura: No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible.

 

What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Teapot.

 

What would life be like if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

ELECTRONICS AND MECHANISMS

What do videos do on their days off?
They unwind.

 

Father to teenage daughter: Did I hear the clock strike two as you came in last night?
Daughter: Oh, it started to strike eleven, but I stopped it so that it wouldn’t wake you up.

 

Which way did the programmer go?
He went data way.

 

Why was the computer so tired when it got home from the office?
Because it had a hard drive.

 

What kind of cola do keyboards like?
Tab.

 

How can you tell a good computer programmer from a bad computer programmer?
The good one always comes through when the chips are down.

 

Why don’t computers eat anything?
They don’t like what’s on their menus.

 

How do you catch a runaway computer?
With an Internet.

 

Why did the man turn on his computer on a hot day?
He wanted to open the Windows.

 

Why couldn’t the girl type on her computer?
She lost her keys.

 

What’s the first sign that a computer is getting old?
It has memory problems.

 

Why shouldn’t you take your computer into rush-hour traffic?
Because it might crash.

 

What’s the difference between a red light and a green light?
The color, silly.

 

What do you call a watch worn on a belt?
A waist of time.

FAMILY MATTERS

Lizzie: Mommy, Zach broke my baby doll.
Mommy: I’m sorry, sweetheart. How did it happen?
Lizzie: I hit him over the head with it.

 

Mother: Tommy, why did you kick your little sister in the stomach?
Tommy: I couldn’t help it. She turned around too quick.

 

Mother: Why are you crying?
Mark: Dad hit his hand with a hammer.
Mother: I’m surprised you’re not laughing.
Mark: I did.

 

Elizabeth: My mom has the worst memory.
Melissa: She forgets everything?
Elizabeth: No, she remembers everything.

 

Mother: Kids, what are you arguing about?
David: Oh, there isn’t any argument. Lisa thinks I’m not going to give her half of my candy, and I think the same thing.

 

Gabe: Why are you down?
Mike: My sister said she wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks.
Gabe: Why should that upset you?
Mike: Today’s the last day.

 

What is the opposite of minimum?
Minidad.

 

When do mothers have baby boys?
On son days.

 

Mom: A rabbit’s house is called a warren, alligators have nests, and foxes live in dens. What do you call your room?
Son: A mess.

 

Who is bigger—Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger’s baby is a little Bigger.

FINANCES

Husband: What do you mean, our financial situation is fluid?
Wife: We’re going down the drain.

 

Stan: Remember last year when I was broke and you helped me and I
said I’d never forget you?
Fred: Yes, I remember.
Stan: Well, I’m broke again.

 

If money grew on trees, where would you keep it?
In a branch bank.

 

What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin.

 

Where is the safest place to keep money in America?
The Outer Banks.

FOOD

How many items can you put into an empty grocery bag?
One. After that, the bag isn’t empty anymore.

 

What is the smallest room in the world?
The mushroom.

 

What has no teeth, no mouth, but does have eyes and lives in the ground?
A potato.

 

What’s more useful after it’s broken?
An egg.

 

Diner: Is there any stew on the menu?
Waiter: There was, but I wiped it off.

 

Why couldn’t the coffee bean go out to play?
He was grounded.

 

What kind of dance does a butcher go to?
A meatball.

 

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

 

Why was the mushroom the hit of the party?
He was a fungi.

 

Why did the other vegetables like the corn?
He was always willing to lend an ear.

 

What’s small, round, and blue?
A cranberry holding its breath.

 

What kind of beans won’t grow in a garden?
Jelly beans.

 

Why shouldn’t you gossip in fields?
Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beanstalk.

 

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They would crack each other up.

 

Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds?
No whey.

HISTORY

What fruits are mentioned the most in history?
Dates.

 

How did Betsy Ross like her work?
Sew, sew.

 

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

 

What was the colonists’ favorite tea?
Liberty.

 

When Betsy Ross washed the flag, why did she use starch?
She wanted a permanent wave.

 

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.

 

When do knights arrive for sporting events?
Joust in time.

 

Why didn’t George Washington need a bed?
He would not lie.

 

Did you hear about the King Arthur stamp?
It’s for over-knight delivery.

 

What didn’t King Arthur get served at the Round Table?
A square meal.

 

Which vegetable was not permitted on the Mayflower?
The leek.

 

If George Washington went to Washington wearing a white winter coat while his wife waited in Wilmington, how many Ws are there in all?
None. There are no Ws in the word all.

 

Why were the Middle Ages also called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

 

What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels.

 

Who invented King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

 

Which hero of the Revolutionary War slept with his shoes on?
Paul Revere’s horse.

 

Teacher: What happened in 1809?
Eddie: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Right. Now, what happened in 1812?
Eddie: He turned three years old.

 

What do you call a knight who just lost a fencing match?
A sword loser.

 

History teacher: Who succeeded the first president of the U.S.?
Student: The second one.

 

Where were the kings and queens of England crowned?
On their heads.

LAW AND ORDER

Lawyer to defendant: Do you wish to challenge any of the jury members?
Defendant: Well, I think I could take that guy on the end.

 

Why did the dermatologist hurry to the jail?
Everyone was breaking out.

 

Did you hear about the two hundred stolen mattresses?
Police are springing into action to find the criminals.

 

Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she is the fairest of them all.

 

Judge: Why couldn’t you settle this matter yourselves?
Defendant: We tried to, Your Honor, but the police broke it up.

 

Alex: Weren’t you afraid when the robber pulled a knife on you?
Alex: Weren’t you afraid when the robber pulled a knife on you?
Will: No. I knew he wasn’t a professional. The knife still had peanut butter on it.

 

Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
It was in a pickle.

 

Did you hear about the crimes over at that house they’re renovating?
The shower was stalled while the curtains were held up. Apparently the doors were also hung, and I heard the window was framed for it.

 

Why did the strawberry need a lawyer?
It was in a jam.

 

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got twelve months; they say his days are numbered!

 

What did the police do with the hamburger?
They grilled it.

 

Matt: What happened to the robber who stole the lamp?
Dave: Oh, he got a very light sentence.

 

How did the police know the photographer was guilty?
They found his prints all over the scene of the crime.

 

What happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
It gets stolen.

 

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt,
paper boots, and wore a paper hat?
The sheriff arrested him for rustling.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Why did the melon and the honeydew have a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe.

MEDICINE

What do you call the last teeth we get?
False teeth.

 

Fran: The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.
June: Do you like the carrot juice?
Fran: I don’t know yet. I’m still drinking the hot bath.

 

Lois: You said you live off the spat of the land. Don’t you mean the fat of the land?
Glenn: No. I’m a marriage counselor.

 

Patient: Why do you whistle when you operate, Doctor?
Patient: Why do you whistle when you operate, Doctor?
Doctor: It helps to take my mind off my work.

 

Doctor: How is the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.

 

Mitch: Why do you have three pairs of glasses?
Dale: One is for driving, the second is for reading, and the third is for looking for the other two.

 

Why do surgeons wear masks during an operation?
So that if any mistake is made, no one will know who did it.

 

Tim: My doctor told me to take something good for my cold.
Todd: So what did you take?
Tim: I took his coat.

 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!
Doctor: Why is that?
Patient: I like sausages.
Doctor: There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages, too.
Patient: Really?
You must come and see my collection—I’ve got thousands!

 

What is the best time to make a dentist appointment?
Tooth-hurty.

 

Did you hear what happened to the optometrist?
He fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

 

Sydney: I must have sneezed fifty times today. Do you think there’s something in the air?
Allen: Yes, your germs!

MUSICAL NOTES

How do you make a bandstand?
Pull their chairs away.

 

How is a heart like a musician?
They both have a beat.

 

Why couldn’t the bell keep a secret?
It always tolled.

 

Ian: My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o’clock this morning!
Mark: Did they wake you?
Ian: Nah…I was already up, playing my bagpipes.

 

Why do refrigerators hum?
Because they don’t know the words.

POTPOURRI

What is taken before you get it?
Your picture.

 

What can you hold without touching it?
Your breath.

 

What never moves, has no feet, but wears shoes?
A sidewalk.

 

How does Bill Gates enter his house?
He uses Windows.

 

What has neither flesh nor bone, but has four fingers and a thumb?
A glove.

 

What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

 

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays.

 

What is the only thing you break when you say its name?
Silence.

 

What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don’t know, and I don’t care one way or the other.

 

Why is it that you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look?
You stop looking for it after you find it.

 

What can you not see, even though it is always before you?
The future.

 

What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
A hole.

 

What gets wetter and wetter as it dries?
A towel.

 

Where is the shortest bridge in the world?
On your nose.

 

What’s faster—hot or cold?
Hot is, because you can catch a cold.

 

Earl: Can you keep a secret?
Pam: Sure, but I can’t promise the people I tell it to can!

 

What do you call a man down in a hole?
Doug.

 

What do you call a man who hangs on a wall?
Art.

 

What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
A staircase.

 

What goes around the yard but never moves?
A fence.

 

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

 

What is the invention that allows you to see through the thickest walls?
The window.

 

How can you safely jump off a thirty-foot ladder?
Jump from the bottom rung.

 

Brett: Do you have holes in your socks?
Jim: Certainly not!

SENIOR MOMENTS

SPACE AND NATURE

Greg: Which is farther, Australia or the moon?
Pete: Australia. You can see the moon at night.

 

What is not a plant, but sometimes has leaves?
A table.

 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

 

The more you take away, the bigger it gets—what is it?
A hole.

 

What can pass in front of the sun without making a shadow?
The wind.

 

Have you heard about the man who sat up all night trying to figure out where the sun went when it set?
It finally dawned on him.

 

How does the Man on the Moon get his hair cut?
Eclipse it.

 

What kind of waves are impossible to swim in?
Microwaves.

 

What part of the keyboard do astronauts like best?
The space bar.

 

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

 

Why did the atom cross the road?
Because it was time to split.

 

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to fall asleep?
Rocket.

 

What’s the difference between Neptune and Earth?
There’s a world of difference!

 

What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

 

What is one thing you can never catch?
A breeze.

 

How can you carry water in a net?
Freeze it.

 

What kind of bow is impossible to tie?
A rainbow.

 

What tree is always unhappy?
The blue spruce.

 

What doesn’t get any wetter no matter how hard it rains?
The ocean.

SPORTS AND LEISURE

What’s the biggest diamond in the world?
A baseball diamond.

 

What does an umpire do when he gets a headache?
Takes two aspirins and calls as little as possible.

 

What is the best day of the week to play a double-header?
Tuesday.

 

Park ranger: What’s wrong?
Camper: I have a camouflage tent.
Camper: I have a camouflage tent.
Park ranger: What’s wrong with that?
Camper: I’ve looked everywhere, and I just can’t find it.

 

Guide: I don’t guide hunters anymore, only fishermen.
Hunter: Why?
Guide: I have never been mistaken for a fish.

 

What is the best kind of shoes to wear for stealing bases?
Sneakers.

 

Did you hear about the hunter who had a close call?
He saw some tracks and went over to look at them closely. That’s when the train almost hit him.

 

Mom: Where’s your brother?
Sam: Well, if the ice is as thick as he thinks it is, he’s skating. But if it’s as thin as I think it is, he’s swimming.

 

Harry: What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a Boy Scout?
Tom: I don’t know, but I bet he sure could pitch a tent.

 

What’s the best hockey team in the universe?
The All-Stars.

 

Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get the quarter back.

 

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.

 

Dad: What happened to your eye?
Keith: I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me.

 

Why don’t matches play baseball?
One strike and they’re out.

 

What do you throw out when you need it and take in when you don’t need it?
An anchor.

 

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does from first to second?
Because there’s a shortstop between second and third.

 

Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.

 

What is a diver’s favorite game?
Pool.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

 

What is the best city to go bike riding in?
Wheeling, West Virginia.

 

What is the best mountain to climb to get a good night’s sleep?
Mount Ever-rest.

 

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

 

If athletes get athlete’s foot, then what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

 

How is a crossword puzzle like an argument?
One word leads to another.

 

Troy: I’m a very famous speaker. I spoke at the Boston Gardens to thousands of people.
Paul: Really?
What did you say?
Troy: Get your peanuts, popcorn, and cold drinks here!

 

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

 

Why is tennis a noisy game?
Because when you play it, you have to raise a racket.

TRAVEL AND TRANSPORTION

Why doesn’t a bike stand up by itself?
Because it’s two-tired.

 

What driver does not need a license?
A screwdriver.

 

Passenger: Are you sure this train stops at San Francisco?
Conductor: If it doesn’t, you’ll hear an awful splash.

 

Son: Mom, Dad left for work without his glasses, didn’t he?
Mom: Yes. How did you know?
Son: The garage door is missing.
Son: The garage door is missing.

 

Bart: What do you call a red-headed woman on a blue-and-white plane flying from New York to London?
Art: A passenger.

 

What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement.

 

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamaha-ha-ha.

 

What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

 

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The sailors were marooned.

 

What comes once in a minute, once in a month, but never in a day?
The letter m.

 

Phil: Did you lose your train of thought?
Carl: No, but I think one of the cars just derailed.

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