299+ Funny Jokes To Tell Humor Hilarious For Us

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

***

Why is tennis a noisy game?

Because when you play it, you have to raise a racket.

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Why doesn’t a bike stand up by itself?

Because it’s two-tired.

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What driver does not need a license?

A screwdriver.

***

Passenger: Are you sure this train stops at San Francisco?

Conductor: If it doesn’t, you’ll hear an awful splash.

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Bart: What do you call a red-headed woman on a blue-and-white plane flying from New York to London?

Art: A passenger.

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What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?

The pavement.

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What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamaha-ha-ha.

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What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

***

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

The sailors were marooned.

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What comes once in a minute, once in a month, but never in a day?

The letter m.

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Phil: Did you lose your train of thought?

Carl: No, but I think one of the cars just derailed.

***

Did you hear about the Native American man that drank 200 cups of tea?

He nearly drown in his own tea pee.

***

What’s the best anti diarrheal prescription?

Mycheexarphlexin

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What do you call a person who is outside a door and has no arms nor legs?

Matt

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Which Star Trek character is a member of the magic circle?

Jean-Luc Pickacard

***

What’s the difference between a bullet and a human?

A bullet doesn’t miss Harambe

***

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

He was having a mid-life crisis

***

What’s the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a hooker with dysentery?

One shucks between fits…

***

Who is 2016’s biggest sellout?

Kevin Durant or Bernie Sanders?

***

Why is little Annie’s shoe floating in the sea?

Because the shark burped.

***

What’s the difference between a married man and a bachelor?

A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!

***

Why are there so many blood cells in female prisons?

Because the sentences usually end with periods.

***

What do you call a russian tree?

Dimitree

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How do you call it when an egg is on point?

Egg zactly!

***

Where’d the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

A retail store.

***

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

***

Did you hear about the oyster who went to the ball?

He pulled a muscle

***

Why are frogs so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

***

How do you turn an Indian woman on?

Press the red button.

***

Shall I tell you the joke about the kidnappers?

I’d better not. You might get carried away.

***

Do you like fish sticks?

Well then, you’re a gay fish.

***

What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?

Let’s just be cousins.

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Why does Santa have three gardens?

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can “hoe, hoe, hoe.”

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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

***

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling “Bach Bach Bach Bach”

***

What is a pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

***

Why can’t you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

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What will happen if you went inside a black hole?

I don’t know either. It must be out-of-this-world.

***

Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

The Rooster

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What’s common between a good boyfriend and a lion?

They’re both ready to eat you

***

Who put semen in the basement?

I don’t know. That’s just the way it’s spelled.

***

What do you do when your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and apply lube

***

Want to hear a joke about UDP?

Never mind. you won’t get it, and I won’t care

***

What species are the best rappers?

Dragons, because they’re always spittin’ fire.

***

What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?

Leave my presents

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What is statistically three times worse than a war?

Three wars

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What do you call a row of three hares hopping backward?

A receding line.

***

I’ve got a dead budgie for sale, anyone interested?

It isn’t going cheep.

***

What is the politically correct name for “African Americans with Down Syndrome” group?

Black Lives Matter Edit1: No Im not targeting black people, or people with actual Down syndrome, just that group

***

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field

***

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

***

What is a NYC nanosecond?

If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.

***

Where do Tumblr users go to pray?

The Cis-Teen Chapel

***

Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?

A: That one in the middle thinks he’s hard.

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What’s below your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees?

Your Guns N’ Toeses I’ll see myself out.

***

How do Humans Reproduce?

A: Sexually B: Sexually C: Sexually

***

How does a Nun save herself from being poisoned?

Nun chucks.

***

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

He uses the finest ingredients.

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What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

The Orange has thick skin and people actually like it.

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Why did the man apply for the job at the Model T factory?

He heard it was a great line of work.

***

How is life as a virgin?

Its hard

***

Why can’t Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?

She’s a transparent.

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What does a dog do when it loses it’s tail?

Goes to a retail store to find another one.

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Why don’t Mexicans take drivers Ed and sex Ed on the same day?

They have to give the donkey a break.

***

Is this InkJet any good?

Sure, we’ve sold it to royalty Princesses? Mate, it prints ALL the letters!

***

Why was the Router released early from prison?

It had connections.

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Whats the name of a bodybuilder whose a fan of the X-Men?

Huge Jackman

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What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection?

No hard feelings.

***

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines everywhere.

***

Guess how many girlfriends I have right now?

Well, it’s hard to even count, I will just give you a range of about how many. The range is <1.

***

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

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What does a pencil have in common with marijuana?

If it doesn’t make you look smart, it’s blunt.

***

Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

***

What is the difference between cancer and a Brazilian?

Cancer evolves, a Brazilian doesn’t.

***

What’s the difference between OP and eggs?

Eggs actually get laid.

***

What do you get when you mix an insurance company with an NFL quarterback?

An Aflacco

***

Do you know why the Amish girl was excommunicated?

Too Mennonite

***

What’s the difference between someone unemployed and a gender-expert?

Nothing

***

What’s better than Norwegian Beef Stew?

No Beef Stew at all

***

What do pirates say when they find buried treasure?

Thanks for the gold!

***

What do my dad and Carly Rae Jepsen have in common?

They both said they were just going to the store

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What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can’t we just let Argonne’s be Argonne’s?

***

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don’t. They just beat the room for being black.

***

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

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What do you call two bananas?

Slippers

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why do nice girls always go for the assholes?

I don’t even like pegging.

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?

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What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Redditors can’t take a joke.

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What’s the worst part about eating vegetables?

Finding a place to put the wheelchairs.

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What should you do when people talk behind your back?

Fart

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What’s Desiigner’s favorite car?

Kia Kia Kia

***

What’s cheaper, Beer Nuts or Deer Nuts?

Deer Nuts. Beer Nuts are $1.49, while Deer nuts are under a Buck!

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If the bird of peace if the dove, what’s the bird of love?

The swallow.

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What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

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What do they say in every infomercial in Kuwait?

But Kuwait, there’s more!

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What do you call a man with no shin ?

Tony

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Why did Fonzie stop sleeping around?

He got AIIIIIDS.

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How to you embarrasses an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask what period its from.

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Why’d the vulture check his bag?

The airline didn’t allow carrion luggage.

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Why don’t drug addicts hang out at the beach?

They don’t like getting sand in their crack.

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Is anyone seeing Rouge 1 this week?

I hear it’s the prequel to Maroon 5.

***

What’s the difference between a high and drunk driver?

The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.

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Wife:Isn’t hot in here hun?

Troll husband : It kinda is, ill adjust the AC.

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Knock knock. Who’s there? Dave. Dave who?

Dave promptly burst into tears as not everyone in the world knew Dave.

***

What did Mohammad eat while in the Holy Land?

Makkah-roni and cheese!

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Boy to Girl- Hi Sweetheart, How is your day going?

G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

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What were the last things going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles

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Why do black people like Korean food?

Because it has a little Seoul in it.

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What do you call an overweight bounty hunter?

Boba Fat

***

What did the beaver say when he fell in water?

Damn it.

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Why was Mexico willing to pay to build the wall between the US and Mexico?

So the can finally have a good Olympic team.

***

How do you make a dead baby float?

Easy! Just add Root beer and Ice Cream!

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Why did the Muslim man have to build a house for his wives before he could eat KFC?

No harem, no fowl.

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How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

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Did you hear about the streaker in church?

He got caught by the organ

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What is it called when the police work overtime?

Copper Nitrate.

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Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd

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What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?

Nothing, he’s Snowden.

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Why buttock implants are popular in Australia?

Because boob jobs are cheaper down under.

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What would be the first thing D. J. Trump would write in the Death Note (if it would exist)??

“YUUUUUGEE”

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What did the horse say to the other horse?

Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn’t speak!

***

What does a suicide bomber say when he’s teaching class?

Pay attention! I’m only going to show this once.

***

Why did the chicken give the cat his mashed potatoes?

To get to the other side.

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What did one ass cheek say to the other?

We gotta hold this shit together.

***

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

***

Did you hear about the UK banning hummus?

It’s because it has chickpea in it.

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What do you call a female android?

Synthia Lmao

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Police Officer: “Can you identify yourself, Sir”?

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: “Yes, it’s me”.

***

What’s 11 & 2?

The Cowboys

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What car does a Mexican drive?

A Quebrolet.

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What do you call a brothel riddled with rabies?

A frothel

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

***

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

***

What happens when a pirate turns 60?

He joins AARP

***

how many black live matters protester does it take to screw in a light bulb?

no one knows it was too dark to see them.

***

Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night?

They found him dead the next day in his teepee

***

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Bare Grylls

***

What do A Tribe Called Quest and margarine have in common?

It’s like butter, baby.

***

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house… Knock, knock. Who’s there? The chicken.

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What did the painter say after finishing a portrait of his brother Andrew?

I drew drew

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What do you call a snowman who cons people?

A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend

***

What do you call a snail on a sail boat?

A snailor

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What did Tom hanks do in the woods?

He took a forrest dump.

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What do you call a herpes pun?

a play on warts

***

How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, or two? One, or two?

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Genie: what’s your first wish?

Mick: I wish I were Incredibly wealthy! Genie: You were incredibly wealthy. Mick: No you imbecile, I wish I WAS RICH Genie: You are Rich Rich: Well that backfired but… Genie: …but a deal is a deal and you promised to use your third wish to set me fre.. Rich: I WISH GENIE WAS HUMAN!

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What’s yellow and black and makes you laugh?

A school bus full of black people driving off a cliff

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What do you call a girl on the grill?

Patty

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What do successful prostitutes have?

Business acumen

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What music do they play in a mexican bathroom?

Earth wind and fire

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What’s a computer’s favorite beat?

An algo-rhythm

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What did the Special Needs Rowing Team decide to call themselves?

Oartism

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Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism

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WIFE: The car won’t start. Can you pick me up at the drive through McDonald’s in town?

ME: There isn’t a drive through in town WIFE: There is now

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What’s green and flies over Poland?

Snotzis.

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How many communists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One guy to screw in the light bulb, and the other guy to shoot him if he doesn’t do it right.

***

Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

***

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?

It’s okay, he woke up.

***

What do you call an indian with pink hair?

Ghandi Floss!

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what did the cell that got stepped on by it’s sister say?

mitosis.

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When is a car, not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

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What side do turkeys have the most feathers on?

The outside.

***

What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake

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What do you call a couple having sex in a moving car?

Burning rubber

***

What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch?

There is no cod

***

What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you you want fries with that

***

Where did Susie go when her town got bombed?

Everywhere.

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Why is the state of Israel like laundry?

Its a part Tide

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Whats a ducks favourite drug?

Quack cocaine

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How do you kill 27 people with one punch?

With a Sandy Hook

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What do “fake news” and isis have in common?

They’re blowing up everyone’s newsfeed

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Who won the international race?

It was a Thai.

***

Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.

***

Why won’t Jonas Bjerre, Johan Wohlert nor Silas Utke Graae Jørgensen use guitars?

Because guitars make music.

***

What’s the difference between a trump supporter and a newly adopted Siberian husky?

The dog has the mental fortitude to realize he’s just gotten owned by a Russian.

***

What did Anakin say to Padme right before they had sex?

Let’s see those Naboobies.

***

What do you call a rabbi who plays miniature golf?

Jupiter

***

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

***

What do you call an old Spanish car?

FeO

***

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

***

What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?

Namastè (nah-ima-stay)

***

What’s the difference between a Nazi and a gay man?

Which side of the gas chamber they’re on.

***

What do you call a pine cone that creates exact replicas of itself?

A pine clone

***

What if George Lucas was the new Supreme Court justice?

Lucas gets indicted after video surfaces of him tampering with previous decisions he made.

***

What’s the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One goes “ribbit ribbit”, the other goes “rub it rub it”.

***

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn’t pay £50 to have a lentil on my face…

***

What is the difference between Reddit and children’s television?

Children don’t throw tantrums when there’s a rerun of some content.

***

How many stockholders does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

***

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That’s a hardware problem.

***

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

***

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut.

***

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza!

***

Why doesn’t cancer let anyone in a music store?

It doesn’t want anyone to find The Cure.

***

What is ISIS’s favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root. Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

***

Why are there no female serial killers ??

Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.

***

How do you blindfold an Asian?

With dental floss.

***

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Give it ten tickles

***

Why do dogs lick each other?

Because they can’t make a fist.

***

What do Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael have in common?

They’re all Renaissance Italian artists.

***

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

***

What do you call a half gay person on a bike?

A bicyclist

***

What does a new pilot do?

Wing it.

***

Why is it great to date a duck?

Whenever you go out to eat they always have the bill.

***

Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

I don’t know Anne Frankly I don’t care.

***

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

***

What’s the biggest difference between Intel and AMD?

How they process things.

***

Why don’t airplanes make good dads?

They are always taking off.

***

What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

An air mattress.

***

What’s a neckbeard’s favorite metal?

m’ladium

***

My 8 year old today: Who serves the toilet?

The buuttt-lerrr!

***

How do police informants begin their jokes?

Nark Nark

***

How can you tell if a witch is racist?

See if she’ll perform black magic.

***

Where do cowboys cook their meals?

On the range

***

Why do people call Pokemon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald the “teenage years” of Pokemon?

Because they were super horny.

***

Knock knock! Who’s There?

(Interrupting the whos there) Penny!

***

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink

***

Did you hear about the new rating scale for how colorblind someone is?

Its called the greyscale

***

Why does Tiger Woods make the best milkshakes?

He uses the best ingredients.

***

How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow!

***

Why did Judge Reinhold get arrested in Dallas?

Because he can’t even get arrested in Hollywood.

***

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Everyone can roast beef, but no one can pea soup.

***

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you…. But I don’t compare apples to oranges.

***

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

***

What do you call it when Batman skips church..?

Christian Bale.

***

What do blind fisherman use as bait?

Clickbait.

***

What do you call an appetizer made with duck?

Pregame.

***

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

***

Whats black and isn’t working?

Black lives matter.

***

“Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.”

***

What is your name?

“Carmen. Well, actually, my name is Laura, but since I like cars and men so much…Car-men. What is yours?” “Beerpussy”

***

Why are all my black friends so tall?

Because their knee grows.

***

Why the full we don’t have any jokes about Islam?

Is it because it’s a joke by itself or what.

***

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed.

***

Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob?

You don’t??? We should have lunch sometime!

***

What did the girlfriend say to her boyfriend that was bitten by a zombie?

“You’re dead to me”

***

Doctor: Did you come to see me with and eye problem?

Patient: Yes doctor, how do you know? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

***

Why didn’t Keanu Reeves eat his breakfast cereal?

Because….there is no spoon.

***

Why did the board game factory close?

It was counter productive.

***

What is a south Koreans favorite fruit?

An impeach.

***

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.

***

What do you call Pope Benedict after his final day in the papal office?

Ex-Benedict.

***

Where does a two dimensional man live?

A flat.

***

Who just can’t get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

***

What do Spider-Man and Windows 98 have in common?

They’re always rebooting.

***

Why cant you watch TV in Afghanistan?

Because of the tele-ban.

***

What did the elephant say?

What did the elephant say when it was pulled out of a pit by the Balls? Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Ball!

***

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

***

Wanna dance?

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the another one was beautiful. Dave walked straight to the ugly girl. Dave: Hello! Ugly girl: Hi!! Dave: Wanna dance? Ugly Girl: Yes (excited) Dave: OK, Go and dance. I wanna talk to your friend.

***

How are Santa Claus and a Catholic priest alike?

They both come out of little boys rooms with empty sacks.

***

What is yellow and rolls down a hill?

Mustard in a rollerskate

***

Why is “My Own Worst Enemy” a great song?

Because it’s Lit!

***

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

***

Did you know Helen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?

Neither did she.

***

What’s a redditor’s favorite pasta?

Copypasta

***

What’s the difference between a duck?

One leg is both the same.

***

Ever tried eating a clock?

It’s time consuming.

***

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back

***

Why transformer vibrates?

if You had 100 periods a second you would vibrate too.

***

Is your refrigerator running?

Then you better go catch it!

***

Do you ever talk to yourself?

I wasn’t talking to you.

***

When do cows go to sleep?

Pasture bedtime.

***

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the lightbulb really dead?”. Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

***

What did the 0 say to the 8?

“Nice belt.”

***

What do short people call something that’s too high up?

Absolute zero, because it’s impossible to reach

***

Why is Yoda the worst copilot?

“Yoda, are we still going the right way?” “Off course we are”

***

What do you call a runner who hates every event but his own?

A raceist

***

What do you call someone who can’t think on their feet?

A paraplegic

***

Why isn’t the holiday on December 25th pronounced “Chlistmas”?

Because there’s no L.

***

What do Prime Numbers and Basic Bitches have in common?

They both literally can’t even

***

Why do girls take 45 minutes to get dressed?

The only improvement you can make is getting undressed.

***

Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?

Because Dec 25 = Oct 31

***

What do you call a rifle that fires 3 bullets at once?

A trifle!

***

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

***

Afraid your kid might be a commie?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that’s a huge red flag.

***

Which Way Do Transformers Put The Toilet Paper?

Autobots Roll Out!

***

Why do Indians hate snow?

It’s white and it’s on their land.

***

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to wear a seatbelt.

***

How did redditor heckle the stand up comic?

“The real joke is always in the comments!”

***

What do you call a hippie that is out at sea on a raft?

He was far out man. -_-

***

What disease does a married man have?

onejina

***

What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar?

Always tip your server.

***

Why are Alabama weddings so small?

They’ve only gotta invite one family

***

What should you not gift a Syrian this year?

A drone

***

Why did Prince Charles leave Windsor Castle and move to an alley?

Because: Camilla Parker Bowles.

***

Know what’s the perfect example of a queue?

The remaining 4 letters are still waiting for their turn.

***

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they are all Targets.

***

How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None ’cause it’s already lit, fam.

***

What do you call a black guy surrounded by 1000 white people?

Mr.President

***

Why do I not laugh at your jokes anymore?

Because I’ve “reddit” before

***

(Dark) What does a lightbulb and a pregnant woman have in common?

Its easy to break the little light inside them.

***

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody’s looking.

***

How many r/jokes redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer is 2. One to change the lightbulb while the other screams “REPOST”

***

What do a Boston Marathon runner and Hitler have in common?

Neither can finish a race.

***

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Two pigs playing in the mud

***

What is a musician’s favorite computer?

A Dell

***

What do you call a crow who repairs time pieces?

A bird watcher.

***

Why did the teddy bear leave the restaurant?

He was stuffed.

***

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

***

What does Reddit share in common with the real world?

A messed up system of karma

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