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Father to teenage daughter: Did I hear the clock strike two as you came in last night?
Daughter: Oh, it started to strike eleven, but I stopped it so that it wouldn’t wake you up.
Which way did the programmer go?
He went data way.
Why was the computer so tired when it got home from the office?
Because it had a hard drive.
What kind of cola do keyboards like?
How can you tell a good computer programmer from a bad computer programmer?
The good one always comes through when the chips are down.
Why don’t computers eat anything?
They don’t like what’s on their menus.
How do you catch a runaway computer?
With an Internet.
Why did the man turn on his computer on a hot day?
He wanted to open the Windows.
Why couldn’t the girl type on her computer?
She lost her keys.
What’s the first sign that a computer is getting old?
It has memory problems.
Why shouldn’t you take your computer into rush-hour traffic?
Because it might crash.
What’s the difference between a red light and a green light?
The color, silly.
What do you call a watch worn on a belt?
A waist of time.
Mother: Tommy, why did you kick your little sister in the stomach?
Tommy: I couldn’t help it. She turned around too quick.
Mother: Kids, what are you arguing about?
David: Oh, there isn’t any argument. Lisa thinks I’m not going to give her half of my candy, and I think the same thing.
What is the opposite of minimum?
When do mothers have baby boys?
On son days.
Mom: A rabbit’s house is called a warren, alligators have nests, and foxes live in dens. What do you call your room?
Son: A mess.
Who is bigger—Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger’s baby is a little Bigger.
Husband: What do you mean, our financial situation is fluid?
Wife: We’re going down the drain.
If money grew on trees, where would you keep it?
In a branch bank.
What has a head and a tail but no body?
Where is the safest place to keep money in America?
The Outer Banks.
How many items can you put into an empty grocery bag?
One. After that, the bag isn’t empty anymore.
What is the smallest room in the world?
What has no teeth, no mouth, but does have eyes and lives in the ground?
What’s more useful after it’s broken?
Diner: Is there any stew on the menu?
Waiter: There was, but I wiped it off.
Why couldn’t the coffee bean go out to play?
He was grounded.
What kind of dance does a butcher go to?
Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!
Why was the mushroom the hit of the party?
He was a fungi.
Why did the other vegetables like the corn?
He was always willing to lend an ear.
What’s small, round, and blue?
A cranberry holding its breath.
What kind of beans won’t grow in a garden?
Why shouldn’t you gossip in fields?
Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beanstalk.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They would crack each other up.
Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds?
What fruits are mentioned the most in history?
How did Betsy Ross like her work?
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
What was the colonists’ favorite tea?
When Betsy Ross washed the flag, why did she use starch?
She wanted a permanent wave.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
When do knights arrive for sporting events?
Joust in time.
Why didn’t George Washington need a bed?
He would not lie.
Did you hear about the King Arthur stamp?
It’s for over-knight delivery.
What didn’t King Arthur get served at the Round Table?
A square meal.
Which vegetable was not permitted on the Mayflower?
If George Washington went to Washington wearing a white winter coat while his wife waited in Wilmington, how many Ws are there in all?
None. There are no Ws in the word all.
Why were the Middle Ages also called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels.
Who invented King Arthur’s Round Table?
Which hero of the Revolutionary War slept with his shoes on?
Paul Revere’s horse.
What do you call a knight who just lost a fencing match?
A sword loser.
History teacher: Who succeeded the first president of the U.S.?
Student: The second one.
Where were the kings and queens of England crowned?
On their heads.
Lawyer to defendant: Do you wish to challenge any of the jury members?
Defendant: Well, I think I could take that guy on the end.
Why did the dermatologist hurry to the jail?
Everyone was breaking out.
Did you hear about the two hundred stolen mattresses?
Police are springing into action to find the criminals.
Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she is the fairest of them all.
Judge: Why couldn’t you settle this matter yourselves?
Defendant: We tried to, Your Honor, but the police broke it up.
Alex: Weren’t you afraid when the robber pulled a knife on you?
Will: No. I knew he wasn’t a professional. The knife still had peanut butter on it.
Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
It was in a pickle.
Did you hear about the crimes over at that house they’re renovating?
The shower was stalled while the curtains were held up. Apparently the doors were also hung, and I heard the window was framed for it.
Why did the strawberry need a lawyer?
It was in a jam.
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got twelve months; they say his days are numbered!
What did the police do with the hamburger?
They grilled it.
Matt: What happened to the robber who stole the lamp?
Dave: Oh, he got a very light sentence.
How did the police know the photographer was guilty?
They found his prints all over the scene of the crime.
What happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
It gets stolen.
Why did the melon and the honeydew have a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call the last teeth we get?
Lois: You said you live off the spat of the land. Don’t you mean the fat of the land?
Glenn: No. I’m a marriage counselor.
Patient: Why do you whistle when you operate, Doctor?
Doctor: It helps to take my mind off my work.
Doctor: How is the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.
Mitch: Why do you have three pairs of glasses?
Dale: One is for driving, the second is for reading, and the third is for looking for the other two.
Why do surgeons wear masks during an operation?
So that if any mistake is made, no one will know who did it.
What is the best time to make a dentist appointment?
Did you hear what happened to the optometrist?
He fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
Sydney: I must have sneezed fifty times today. Do you think there’s something in the air?
Allen: Yes, your germs!
How do you make a bandstand?
Pull their chairs away.
How is a heart like a musician?
They both have a beat.
Why couldn’t the bell keep a secret?
It always tolled.
Why do refrigerators hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
What is taken before you get it?
What can you hold without touching it?
What never moves, has no feet, but wears shoes?
How does Bill Gates enter his house?
He uses Windows.
What has neither flesh nor bone, but has four fingers and a thumb?
What goes up but never comes down?
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays.
What is the only thing you break when you say its name?
What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don’t know, and I don’t care one way or the other.
Why is it that you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look?
You stop looking for it after you find it.
What can you not see, even though it is always before you?
What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
What gets wetter and wetter as it dries?
Where is the shortest bridge in the world?
On your nose.
What’s faster—hot or cold?
Hot is, because you can catch a cold.
Earl: Can you keep a secret?
Pam: Sure, but I can’t promise the people I tell it to can!
What do you call a man down in a hole?
What do you call a man who hangs on a wall?
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
What goes around the yard but never moves?
What can you hold without ever touching it?
What is the invention that allows you to see through the thickest walls?
How can you safely jump off a thirty-foot ladder?
Jump from the bottom rung.
Brett: Do you have holes in your socks?
Jim: Certainly not!
Greg: Which is farther, Australia or the moon?
Pete: Australia. You can see the moon at night.
What is not a plant, but sometimes has leaves?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
The more you take away, the bigger it gets—what is it?
What can pass in front of the sun without making a shadow?
Have you heard about the man who sat up all night trying to figure out where the sun went when it set?
It finally dawned on him.
How does the Man on the Moon get his hair cut?
What kind of waves are impossible to swim in?
What part of the keyboard do astronauts like best?
The space bar.
What is brown and sticky?
Why did the atom cross the road?
Because it was time to split.
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to fall asleep?
What’s the difference between Neptune and Earth?
There’s a world of difference!
What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What is one thing you can never catch?
How can you carry water in a net?
What kind of bow is impossible to tie?
What tree is always unhappy?
The blue spruce.
What doesn’t get any wetter no matter how hard it rains?
What’s the biggest diamond in the world?
A baseball diamond.
What does an umpire do when he gets a headache?
Takes two aspirins and calls as little as possible.
What is the best day of the week to play a double-header?
What is the best kind of shoes to wear for stealing bases?
Did you hear about the hunter who had a close call?
He saw some tracks and went over to look at them closely. That’s when the train almost hit him.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Sam: Well, if the ice is as thick as he thinks it is, he’s skating. But if it’s as thin as I think it is, he’s swimming.
Harry: What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a Boy Scout?
Tom: I don’t know, but I bet he sure could pitch a tent.
What’s the best hockey team in the universe?
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get the quarter back.
What can you catch but not throw?
Dad: What happened to your eye?
Keith: I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me.
Why don’t matches play baseball?
One strike and they’re out.
What do you throw out when you need it and take in when you don’t need it?
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does from first to second?
Because there’s a shortstop between second and third.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.
What is a diver’s favorite game?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
What is the best city to go bike riding in?
Wheeling, West Virginia.
What is the best mountain to climb to get a good night’s sleep?
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, then what do astronauts get?
How is a crossword puzzle like an argument?
One word leads to another.