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Why does a mother kangaroo hope it doesn’t rain?
She doesn’t like it when the kids have to play inside.
How did the owl with laryngitis feel?
He didn’t give a hoot.
What would you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?
A hyper viper.
Have you heard the story about the peacock that crossed the road?
It really is a colorful tail….
What birds spend time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What happens if pigs fly?
Bacon goes up.
What did Winnie the Pooh pack for his vacation?
The bear essentials.
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
She wanted to be polyunsaturated.
What kind of flowers would you give an absent-minded squirrel?
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
What do frogs want to listen to at bedtime?
Boy: Could you sell me a shark?
Boy: My cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What is a woodpecker’s favorite kind of joke?
How do you fix a broken chimp?
With a monkey wrench.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
What do you get when you cross a hen with a hyena?
An animal that laughs at every yolk.
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What animal makes it hard to carry on a conversation?
A goat, because he always wants to butt in.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Teacher: Where are elephants found?
Student: They’re so big, I didn’t think they could get lost!
What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
Why did the turtle go to the therapist?
He wanted to come out of his shell.
Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A retail store.
How does an octopus go into battle?
What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest.
What is as big as an elephant but doesn’t weigh an ounce?
An elephant’s shadow.
What grows up while it grows down?
A baby duckling.
How does a leopard change its spots?
When it’s tired of one spot, it just moves to another.
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
He had his own pew.
Why do giraffes have such small appetites?
Because with them, a little goes a long way.
Have you heard about the dog that ate an onion?
Its bark was much worse than its bite.
Why is a snake so smart?
Because you can’t pull its leg.
Where do little dogs sleep when they go camping?
In pup tents.
Where do fish take a bath?
In a river basin.
What kind of snake is good at math?
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tree?
A porky pine.
What do you call an overweight cat?
A flabby tabby.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Did you hear the one about the lion who ate clowns?
What kind of money do marsupials use?
What is a shark’s favorite game?
Swallow the Leader.
What do you call a cat that gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What was the snail doing on the highway?
About a mile a day.
What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A tall tale.
What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a frog?
An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.
What is a polar bear’s favorite place to vacation?
Baby snake: Mom, are we poisonous?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can hunt knights.
What do you call a time-out in the Lions’ football game?
How many skunks does it take to smell up a neighborhood?
Just a phew.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because he croaks every night.
What do you call a cat that’s been thrown in the dryer?
Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
Because of the Peking duck.
What do pigs put in their hard drives?
Why are anteaters so healthy?
Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
Where are dogs scared to go?
The flea market.
Where do fish like to go on vacation?
When is fishing not a good way to relax?
When you’re the worm.
What is an owl’s favorite mystery?
What’s gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
An elephant in a sandwich bag.
How does a beaver know which tree to cut down?
Whichever one he chews.
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What is the difference between a cat and a match?
A cat lights on its feet, and a match lights on its head.
What should you do when someone throws a goose at you?
What keys can’t open locks?
Monkeys, donkeys, and turkeys.
Why did the kangaroo lose the basketball game?
He ran out of bounds.
What do you call two spiders who just married?
How do pigs say good-bye?
With hogs and kisses.
What kind of can never needs a can opener?
What’s the difference between a tiger and a lion?
The tiger has the mane part missing.
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.
What is cowhide most used for?
Holding cows together.
Did you hear about the duck that was flying upside down?
It quacked up.
Why are elephants known to hold grudges?
They can forgive, but they can’t forget.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away.
Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because he’s a squealer.
Why do lobsters have a hard time sharing?
Because they’re shellfish.
How do you find your dog if he’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark.
What is an eel’s favorite card game?
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.
Who’s a better boxer, a bean or a chicken?
The bean—he’s no chicken.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
Which is richer, a bull or a cow?
A bull. The cow gives you milk; the bull charges you.
What do llamas like to eat?
What do you call a dog with a receding hairline?
What bird is always out of breath?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum it could be done.
Swimmer: Are you sure there aren’t any sharks along this beach?
Lifeguard: Oh, yes, I’m sure. They don’t get along well with the alligators.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
Frank: Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the zoo for feeding the pigeons?
Frank: He fed them to the lions.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How does he do it?
His horse’s name is Friday.
What’s the difference between a soccer player and a dog?
The soccer player wears a team uniform, the dog just pants.
What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit with the World Wide Web?
A hare Net.
What wears a coat in the winter and pants all summer?
How do you find a spider on the Internet?
Check out his Web site.
What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.
First octopus: What do you like least about being an octopus?
Second octopus: Washing my hands before dinner.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Why do white sheep eat more grass than black sheep?
Because there are more of them.
What bone will a dog never eat?
Rancher: What kind of saddle do you want?
Cowboy: Without is fine. There doesn’t seem to be much traffic around here.
Television repairman: So, what seems to be the problem with your television?
Woman: It has double images. I hope you men can fix it.
Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?
He couldn’t concentrate.
Barber: Sir, could you please turn the other side of your face toward me?
Barber: Oh, no. I just don’t like the sight of blood.
Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they need the dough.
First cowboy: Why did you carry only one log for the campfire when the other hands carry two?
Second cowboy: I guess the others are too lazy to make two trips.
Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
Because his career was in ruins.
Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.
Why did the farmer receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Who is the best-paid employee at Microsoft?
The Windows washer.
Do you know why electricians are some of the smartest people?
They always keep up with current events.
How did the scientist invent bug spray?
She started from scratch.
What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?
She thought it was a blast.
What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?
How did the carpenter break his teeth?
He chewed on his nails.
Job seeker: I’m here in reply to your ad for a handyman. Potential employer: And you are handy?
Job seeker: Couldn’t be handier. I live right next door.
What training do you need to be a garbage collector?
None; you just pick it up as you go along.
Teacher: Cathy, what would you do if you were being chased by a man-eating tiger?
Cathy: Nothing. I’m a girl.
What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
What is it that we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?
The letter D.
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. There’s a mile between the Ss.
What word starts with E and has only one letter in it?
What makes math such hard work?
All those numbers you have to carry.
Science teacher: What is the difference between electricity and lightning?
Student: We don’t have to pay for lightning.
What kind of food do math teachers eat?
Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?
Because it multiplied by dividing.
Which two words have the most letters in them?
What state is round on both sides but high in the middle?
What’s a teacher’s favorite candy?
What is the best state to get school supplies?
Why is the library the tallest room in the school?
It has the most stories.
What can spell every word in every language?
Where does Thursday come before Wednesday?
In the dictionary.
Why is a bad joke like a broken pencil?
It has no point.
What do math teachers like to eat with their coffee?
A slice of pi.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane will do next?
They’re so easy to read.
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze?
Sam: Hot water.
Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Student: The 747, Concorde, and F-16.
How did you pass the entrance exam for candy-making school?
It was simple. I fudged it.
Jennifer: Are you in the top half of your class?
Laura: No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible.
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
What do videos do on their days off?