143+ Humor Jokes Funny to Make Everyone Laugh

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Its funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

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I saw a poster, which said: Have you seen this boy? So I rang up and said, No, no I haven’t.

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The New Audi R8 Spider… because your bald patch isn’t quite getting the attention it deserves

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In the pursuit of scientific answers, Animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.

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Haiti Cemetery… Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Men are like bad drivers – always pulling out not caring whose coming!

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How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer? Take your wife out first

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I hate getting my social networking sites mixed up, Just last week I was telling my Family to come on My Face..

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How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades.

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There are two things you should always carry. 1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of snakebite. 2) A snake.

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What’s yellow and tastes of bananas? Monkey sick.

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I’ve just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It’s called 50 Grades of pay

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Ironically, the more someone uses the word ‘like’ in a conversation, the more I feel the opposite about them.

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Apple is a Technology company, built on user experience and on harnessing the Internet. If you are wondering what the joke is, try ordering an IPad 2 on-line…

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What word, seven letters long, begins with n, has n in the middle, ends with n and stands for constipation? nnnnnnn!!

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My girlfriend is such a hypochondriac. She got jet lag when the clocks went back

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If something’s worth having… It’s not on eBay.

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The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal. Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him.

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What is the Difference between snot and spinach? You can’t get your kids to eat spinach.

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I just read that China’s last Giant Panda fell into quicksand. The WWF say it hasn’t quite sunk in yet.

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What’s that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cArtoons? Well, that’s okay then, no beatings tonight.

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I made a glue cake for the Children’s party today just so I could say the immortal words. OK kids, get stuck in

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Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit cuts got to do with anything?

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Nothing says you’re a mute.

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I’ve just seen a bloke spray painting a blond haired male reporter and a little white dog on the front of his car. I think he was Tin-Tin his windows.

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Apple are working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy, it’s called the I Eye Captain.

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What’s the Difference between WalmArt and Michael Jackson? At Wal-MArt, kids’ clothing is only 10% off.

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Who’s boss of the pencil case? The Ruler.

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Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren’t that hungry after all?

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Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit seriously?

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What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

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What’s the Difference between Alice in Wonderland and Billy Wright? Alice made it out of the Maze…..

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What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath.

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My ex-husband was buried today… Finally, a hole he can actually fill.

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My wife keeps telling me to grow up. Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my power ranger stilts arrive in the post.

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Nothing says I’m a paedophile more than owning a chocolate factory.

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I’m with the other P.E.T.A. People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

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I’m fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don’t do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled… …it used to be a leopard.

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I’m like a God in my Kid’s eyes, they are told that I created them, but they have never seen me.

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Wrfsgqweztkl;’# ast gg4369on/hoivdz… Why does no one ever think of unplugging their keyboard before cleaning it?

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If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem. Advice

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When I have a bad dream I ask my daughter if I can get into her bed with her.

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I’m sure my mate’s part chameleon, but he’s denied it ’til he’s blue in the face. If anything that convinced me even more.

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I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7 I call it: Windows 98.

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I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night. Must have been Freddy Cougar

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Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans I don’t agree, I’ve never had a chicken breast with a nipple.

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Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor? Because opposites attract.

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Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes? A: The back of her head.

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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken

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As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my Animals. They really get my goat. AnimalsInsects

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What’s the Difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides.

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When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully Do you really think that?

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More people should be made aware of child abuse! They don’t know what they’re missing!

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The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called. He’s called Tails.

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The amazing thing about mobile phones is that, no matter where you are or whatever you are doing, you can keep them switched off so no-one will bother you.

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Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbor’s cat this morning. With a chainsaw.

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My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up. He’s a beaker half empty kind of guy.

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I’ve just doubled the efficiency and trebled the capacity of my laptop. I deleted Windows.

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I’ve forgotten the name of my homing pigeon. But I’m sure it will come back to Me. AnimalsInsects

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A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

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Puppies all look cute and act adorable. But has anyone ever investigated their repeated involvement in child abduction cases?

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If I had a penny for every time I did a day’s work…..I’d be an Indian child.

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Whenever I say, Women have the brain size of Squirrels, they get really annoyed. Who knew Squirrels were so sensitive?

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‘If you don’t have an iPhone… You don’t have an iPhone.’ The kind of intelligence and wisdom often displayed by someone with an iPhone.

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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

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Here’s a question for all the philosophers out there. If something is listed on page 2 of a google search, does it really exist?

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A black girl at work asked me Have you ever been with a sister before? I told her No… just a few cousins.

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I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for It.

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A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

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What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill? Swim for it!

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I spent a year breeding rabbits. It was a hare raising experience.

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What’s the Difference between Father Christmas and the City link Delivery man? One is a fictional character who doesn’t actually deliver presents at Christmas and the other is Santa.

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Texting – Because a 5 minute conversation should take all day.

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What’s the Difference between Steven Barker and Gary Glitter? One beats up kids and the other beats off on kids.

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Pencils: for people who plan on making mistakes.

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Video games are ruining my life. Luckily, I still have two left.

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My wife left me because she said i just don’t understand her…. To be honest I don’t know what she’s talking about.

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Josef Fritzl is always the Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons

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If walking is supposed to be so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut?

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Intel launches tablet processor. Now we even have a PC term for drug dealer. ComputersTechnology

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I take my daughter everywhere. But she always finds her way home.

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I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets! Saves money on petrol for my van.

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What’s the Difference between a woman and a towel? On the towel you look for the dry places.

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I’ve had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation. I found 17 dead cats in there this morning.

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If I leave my computer for a while, a picture of Sean Connery holding a razor comes on. It’s my screen saver.

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I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad, iTouch… Now iBroke, iHomeless and iRegret.

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Was asked the question today….. What’s the biggest icons of the 21st century? Phone, Pad & Pod Wasn’t the answers they were looking for!

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Sometimes, I really hate myself. But that’s just life when you’re a racist chameleon. AnimalsInsects

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Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague Sorry, I didn’t mean to bite your head off. It’s hardly something you do by accident, is it?

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Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich. I laughed so hard and split a rib. One of hers.

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Don’t discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish.

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I looked up baffling in the dictionary. The definition though was confusing…

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What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog food.

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Don’t you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn’t send on a chain message

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My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don’t think we’ll be together furlong. AnimalsInsects

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I found a hornet in my car. I’m going kerb crawling tonight to test it out.

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For sport relief every footballer has donated a week’s wages, so we decided to buy Africa.

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According to social services, I’m not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a meningitis induced coma and not hibernating.

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The Beckham’s new daughter Harper Seven is said to look very similar to her mother. And at 7 lbs. 100 z, I wouldn’t argue with that…

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I just bought the wife a new iPad. She said Isn’t modern Technology great nowadays, I can’t wait to use this I’m due on next week

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What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.

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What’s the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45

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I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting. Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.

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Am I the only person who didn’t come up with the idea of Windows 7?

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When decorators are waiting for their paint to dry, how do they describe how boring it is?

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All my mates keep laughing at me because I’m on a Pay-As-You-Go mobile phone. So I took out a contract………And got them killed.

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A neighbor’s car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

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Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I’m a freak Shut up and comb your face

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Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal.

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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

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I’m trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted

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The midget human cannonball missed his target killing the bearded lady in the process. It was a freak accident.

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Those Children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn’t have enough money to buy a memory card for my PlayStation 1.

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The definition of FALSE economy: I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood to swallow the same thing for nothing.

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My mate told me I was unoriginal, so is his mum!

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I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady So I mounted it

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I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips.

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Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober

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If Children In Need really did make a Difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it every year.

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My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get the letters out of the welcome mat.

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According to those in the know, the new iPhone’s camera is so snazzy, it actually filters out poor people …

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Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a Charity tin.

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Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk. Not astronaut food.

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I was woken up this morning by the neighbors little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told him to stop that and come back to bed.

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I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It’s got 28 letters.

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I’ll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars.

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My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his Art.

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What’s the Difference between the England national team and the new iPhone 4? England’s reception was a lot better than I expected.

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Who would have thought… Tiger’s a Cheetah.

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Isn’t it ironic that UNICEF have a dinner to raise money for starving Children?

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Clearing the history Keeping your wife and kids oblivious to your fetishes since windows 95.

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Great, my book ran out of batteries. Stupid future

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I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me Why are you staring at the carpet?

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Got young Children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time…

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My horse is pretty useless. It suffers from hay fever.

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My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks this must be the slowest game of pool I’ve ever played.

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I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out I love doggy!!! Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too.

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So, childhood obesity is on the rise. It not all doom and gloom, paedophilia levels must have decreased.

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Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spider web you suddenly turn into a ninja?

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I’m pretending to the wife that I’m interested in the book 50 shades of grey. That way, she wont think I’m a pervert when the film comes out.

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Sharing is caring. Unless you have aids.

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I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That’s the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

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My kid asked me what a priest was the other day. So I explained…. Pedophile Resident In Every Small Town

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Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don’t.

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My wife’s ran off with a giraffe… I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue.

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How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? None, PETA will never change anything.

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Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!

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I’m cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year. I know turkey is more traditional, but I’m sure she’ll taste alright.

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My wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath…. I did. …. He drowned

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If you think the ‘amazon kindle’ text to speech option is a joke.. Try downloading ‘A Brief History of Time’……

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